Dear diary

well..ppl write blogs for others to read..i dnt really want others to read this..
this is about me dear diary/blog or wateva...with all that i've lost recently..i have lost my diary too...

i dnt know whre to start..but wanna confess just how immature n stupid i used to be...
I was in class 6 when I filled that slam book I guess..I loved doing so..so much tht I noticed I filled abt 2pages of my own slam book..with a cross at the column for "my crush" ..I was kinda amazed..I had so many to name.. and i still didn fill it...I realized..at that time..samyukta basu thot crush as some sort of mental trauma and thus I left the place blank..even so,now I think I shouldn't have.I actually felt like laughing...when does "crush" become mental break-down..
I was so melodramatic...may be i still am..
as shaggy said...I'm sucha drag.
sometimes i feel horrible abt the way i am...a pathetic soul who actually dsnt know wat she wants..moving in the direction of the crowd and shouting "i'm different"..

I used to b a haughty kid..a "dnt know dnt care" attitude for all...but in my heart I yelled sumfin which none could actually hear "i care..i do" ..but it never came out...it was always like "if it wasn't u..it wud hav been sum1 else" ..i never appreciated ppl..their kindness..the fact tht they r spending their precious time for my folly.
Avik da once told me "mum..sumday u'l grow up..and u'l realize watz wrong" ..i dunno if i've grown up enough to understand wateva he meant ...just wanna tell you this avik da "I am no1 special..." ..but all i wanted ..was to be sum1 special..

I usually am stubborn,foolish [my brother will be laughing if he reads this] ,scattered, emotional ..over reacting to all the stuff that keep happening...but I cant help it..this is wat i am..this is how i am...i tried changing myself..and that too turned out a hell too much of a melodrama..
I guess too much melodrama drove away roshan too.
Avik Da was right...someday i will get what it feels like..but m so proud n arrogant that I cudnt admit it in frnt of him...
I suffer frm sumfin called "superiority complex" ..wateva I do is absolutely correct.made ppl feel inferior to me and tho showing how sorry I am..I actually enjoyed it... sadist?I don't know..really!
Fuckin' hypocrite..
A phony bitch who's scared to show what she is..and pointing at ppl wat a clown they are when they try to be somebody else...
I'm so sorry.
Sorry is too small for an apology...but that's what i feel...oh!no..not for you...for myself..
I guess avik da wanted to tell me sumday u'l pity urself..lol..I do pity myself today!
I cried cried cried when roshan left me..a bit too much melodrama 4u..for me it was my instincts yelling at me..tellin me "ur so pathetic"
I am always loved by the person I loved...well roshan wasn't any exception..he loved me too..I never appreciated that either..cuz it was so obvious for me..but
..in roshan's case...let me redefine love...I never felt so close to life...
Roshan tried to make me see reasons..I dunno if I was dumb or was acting so..but my heart knows..I really didn get him...he also marked me an immature n sed u'l understand when u'l grow up...
God!..when will I grow up?and finally understand things tht ppl arnd me understand so easily and I dont.
writing all bad stuffs abt me aint gonna make me good..but admitting all of it..does make me feel good..at least a bit..
this isnt sumfin which is for whateva wrong i did...
all those ppl i've hurt...
shaggy said it right "u dont deserve friends"
and I do realise..I dnt deserve any of it...none of it.
and thts why may be I keep quiet nowadays...not tht outburst of tears..saving the world a melodrama..I tried writing things I wanna tell bhaida...roshan..dada.. friends..I cudnt..
everytime the backspace key comes into play..and thnk god!the backspace key...saving u all the melodrama I put up all the time..crying..showing _|_..haughty..
this is wat I am..samyukta basu..high school student..aspiring to be a nothing...or may everything..sum1 spl..sum1 whuz work wil b appreciated..sum1 who will understand wat it is "being matured"..I guess I will..someday ...
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I learned from somewhere..People write the things that they can't say